


I´m lost in the deep end

by broken_fannibal



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec tries his best, Angst, Depressed Magnus Bane, Depression, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, POV Third Person, Podfic Available, but his best isn´t good enough, if that makes sense, very dark and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14233860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal
Summary: This ficfrom Magnus` perspective.





	I´m lost in the deep end

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bohemian (Linguam)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Shadows are calling (pulling me under)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13936956) by [Bohemian (Linguam)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/pseuds/Bohemian). 



> The title is from Ruelle's song Deep End.  
> Enjoy your suffering.

Magnus stood on the balcony, staring out over the city. Looking but not really seeing anything. Not really feeling much either. Just hollow. And Tired. So Tired. The quiet enveloped him, held him there. The air felt thick and heavy, pressing down on him. The dread of what would happen in the next days and weeks crept up his spine.  
“Magnus? Is everything alright?”  
He barely heard it. It took him a while to process the words. He heard someone was there, recognised it was Alec. He said something. Magnus concentrated on deciphering the meaning. He heard steps coming closer.  
“I'm fine.” An easy lie.  
“No, you're not.” Of course he could see through it.  
Magnus sighed.  
Alec stood right beside him now. Close. “Did something happen?”  
Another deep sigh. So much.Too much. Everything. Alec wouldn't understand. “No, nothing has happened. I’m just… weary.” He continued staring ahead, unseeing.  
“Of what?” A soft question.  
“Life. Living.” He didn't know what expression showed on his face, didn't control his voice. He saw Alec twitching in the corner of his eye.  
“Magnus…” One word, so much emotion.  
“It’s always the same.”, he said. “War, strife, death, people hurting one another, good people. Nothing ever changes. It’s just all so…” Another deep sigh. “Pointless.” He could feel the agitation, the pain from Alec. But it didn't reach him, not really. Just swirled into the void without catching on anything. There's was nothing to be caught on. He felt hollow. The kind of clawing emptiness that always filled him on these kinds of days. “I need to sleep.” There was nothing to say. He turned and walked past Alec into their bedroom. He didn't think about what he was doing, not really. It all went automatically. Going to the bed, lifting the cover, lying down, closing his eyes.  
It was quiet for a while. Then he heard Alec careful steps. He stood next to the bed for a while.  
Magnus stared at a spot on the bed, waiting. Waiting was the only thing to do. Waiting for this to pass: Waiting for Alec.  
Alec moved closer, lifted the cover, lay down opposite to him. He was probably seeking eye contact.  
But Magnus found he didn't have it in him to move.  
“Can I hold you?” Alec voice was thick with emotion. He was in pain.  
Magnus gave a deep sigh. “Why.” He was vaguely aware his voice sounded tired. He didn't care. Couldn't care.  
A pause. “Because I want to.”  
Magnus shrugged. If it would make Alec feel better, why not. He still didn't look at up.  
It wasn't long until Alec scooted closer, reached out to pull him close. His face was buried in the crook of Alec's neck. He felt the warm skin against his cold forehead. He felt.  
Alec pulled him closer, his arms tightened around him. As if wanting to make it okay.  
Magnus felt tears stinging in his eyes. He didn't know where they came from. Was it because he was sad? Was it because he felt safer? Cared for? He didn't know. He felt as hollow inside as he had the whole day.  
“You’re okay.”, Alec whispered. “You’re okay. I got you, and I’m not leaving.”  
Magnus pressed his eyes shuts, willing the tears back. The heavy, hollow feeling in his chest was still there. All he could do was wait. Wait it out and hope he would still be there to feel it fade. Right now he didn't have the energy to do anything. He lay there in Alec's arms. Felt Alec's breath on his hair. He counted Alec's breaths. His eyes slid shut. Darkness enveloped him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked this please consider leaving kudos/comments.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] I´m lost in the deep end](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16286558) by [broken_fannibal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal)




End file.
